Hope after Postpartum Depression

As I pause to think about where to begin with "my story," I can't help but feel led to say this is not really my story, but His story. This is a story of how gracious and how absolutely good our heavenly Father is. I am so thankful the Lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy. I do not deserve them, and I am reminded of that daily.

Motherhood is one of the most sanctifying roles I have ever had the privilege of fulfilling. I am reminded daily how selfish I am and how desperately I need the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I love my son, but the first few weeks of his life were far from what I would call "bliss." No one can prepare you for the moment you become a parent. If you are waiting to be "ready" to become a parent, you will never be (spoiler alert). 

My birth story was rather eventful and did not go even remotely close to what I had planned, which is such a great reminder of the verse in Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.” I don't remember many details from the day I delivered, but I remember being so happy that my baby was finally in my arms. He was perfect!

The day we were discharged was such a long day. The process started around 9 am and we did not leave until around 3:30 pm. The pharmacy was out of my medication, I was in pain, and I wanted to be home. I thought all would be well once we were home. I have never been more wrong in my life. 

My transition into motherhood was hard, and not for the normal newborn reasons. I expected to be tired, and I expected to not know what I was doing. The hard part was what was going on inside my head. I had read about a friend from college who experienced debilitating postpartum hormones, and I was determined that it was not going to happen to me ( again Proverbs comes to mind). A few weeks before I gave birth I read a story about how a new mom had taken her own life just weeks after her baby was born. I didn't understand at the time, but as I walked through my own dark depression I came to realize what these women experienced. 

Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I am so thankful my doctor didn't brush me off and send me on my way. What I told her was that I did not want my baby. I did not want to hold him, touch him or even take a picture of him. I wanted to forget he was ever born. I thought a little too long about taking my life. I thought about how I could go away and never come back. I didn't want to be on this earth anymore. 

But God. 

I knew these were lies straight from Satan himself. I knew what I was experiencing was not right. It wasn't me. I am so thankful for a family that supported me and loved me where I was. They didn't tell me to get over it or toughen up; they knew I needed help. I am thankful for the stories women before me told, because it gave me the courage to speak up when I knew something was so wrong. 

My husband encouraged me to read my Bible but honestly, I couldn't even bring myself to do that. So every night before I fell asleep he would pray with me, and he would read a passage out of Psalms to me. I was so scared that if I was left alone something would happen. After speaking with my doctor and being prescribed medication for anxiety, I remember I felt like a failure as a Christian. I thought to myself, "I am a believer. I don't need these pills. This isn't right!" But I take them every day. I don't think the medication healed me. I know my heavenly Father brought me out of my pit of despair and saved me from my depression. I believe he has so graciously given some people the knowledge and wisdom to help and treat us when we are sick, and I am so thankful for that. 

I write all of this to say if you are a new mother or soon to be mother, I promise you that you are not alone. If you feel overwhelmed, or if you feel like it's too much, try to talk to a loved one. Cry out to your heavenly Father. He hears our prayers. I often quoted 2 Timothy 1:7 to myself to be reminded of the truth. It states: "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." I reminded myself daily that I didn't have to walk in fear. That God has given us a spirit of power and as the King James puts it, a "sound mind." My doctor told me that it would take roughly 6 weeks to start feeling better, but within two days I felt a weight off my shoulders and this feeling of confidence that I could be the mother that Brooks needed me to be. 

I have experienced the God who heals, Jehova Rapha, which means to restore or to heal. I am so thankful for His healing and His protection. I was convinced I would not have any more children. I was terrified to go through that again. But, as I am writing this, almost two years later, I have a deep desire in my heart to have more children, and I know that is only through the goodness and healing of God. There are still bad days and hard times, but I rely on the Lord for my strength and I know he is with me at all times. I look back and wonder, "Why me?" Why did I have to experience this?” I am always met with "to glorify God." 1 Corinthians 1-:31 says "So, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." 

Editor’s Note: If you find yourself experiencing thoughts like Beka had, you are not alone! Studies show 1 in 7 women experience postpartum depression in the year after giving birth. Consult with your doctor immediately if you feel like you may have postpartum depression. 

3 Pillar Resources

Biblical Teaching: Sometimes a good book can help, so here are some gospel-centered recommendations for healing from postpartum depression: Living Beyond Postpartum Depression: Help and Hope for the Hurting Mom and Those Around Her (Jerusha Clark), Closer: Fighting to be Closer to God in the Throes of Postpartum Depression (Lindsey Saenz), and Peace: Hope and Healing for the Anxious Momma's Heart (Becky Thompson).

Authentic Community: When you’re in the midst of postpartum depression, getting out of the house and being around people is the opposite of what you want to do, but it may be exactly what you need to do. The Women’s Community at Mars Hill Church is full of women just like you. No one will judge you; rather, you will be met with a hug and a listening ear. So many of us have been where you are. Come to an Abide gathering, our monthly Thrive & Flourish, Women’s Prayer Community, or join us for a Bible study. Let us care for you. 

Family Discipleship: In the Mars Hill Milestones program, the first milestone is our Family Commitment Service. This milestone isn’t just for everyone to get a chance to see all the sweet babies- we truly believe in partnering with parents and walking with families through all aspects of parenting. The Family Commitment Seminar is a great chance for you to meet other families in the same phase of life as you.