Mother of Repair
I know the past several months have been challenging for everyone in many different ways, so I feel no shame in admitting that this past fall and winter were particularly rough for me as a parent. My oldest son was born with major baggage and wading through the consequences of his birth trauma really began to take a toll on all of us in early November of last year. Feeling the weight of a toxic home with every breath led me to sign up for a counseling session with my son’s behavioral therapist. He sees Mrs. Morgan once a week and after each visit with her, we see small glimpses of hope. Surely it couldn’t hurt for me to sit down with her, one-on-one for some practical advice on parenting our wounded adopted son.
Sitting on her leather sofa, I expected our session to go something like this: I would tell her specific areas where we were struggling at home then she would give us alternative parenting techniques. When he pitches a fit, do this. When he yells no at you, try this.
Instead, Morgan started our time together by asking me a lot of questions.
She asked me what exactly brought me in to her office, and I told her that I felt like our house had a heaviness to it. I felt like all I did was yell at my son. I hated that my other kids heard yelling all the time. I worried that all of our interactions as mother and son were negative. It saddened me how my other kids were being brushed to the wayside as I was constantly dealing with the one. I told her how disappointed I was with the mother I had become.
Morgan stopped me there.
“What kind of mother do you want to be?” she asked.
“A happy one,” I told her. “The mom that smiles and makes everything fun. When my kids are grown up, I want them to remember me as lively and energetic and loving and fun. The kind of mom that dances in the kitchen while she cooks.”
Morgan paused before she spoke, which was good because her next words were about to change my life.
“Tricia, what you’re describing is impossible, and you will continue to struggle and feel disappointed in yourself as long as that is your goal. No matter how hard you try to make things fun or special for your family, nine times out of ten, things aren’t going to go as planned. Being a magical mom all the time isn’t reality, and it’s shallow. Things will always go wrong and you will feel lost because you are not in control.
“The kind of mother I think you really want to be is a Mother of Repair. This kind of mom is focused on reconciliation. This kind of mom does not shy away from the hard stuff. She rises and meets the mess head on. She understands that God is in control and that her role isn’t to fix everything and make it all better, but to just be there with truth in her words and grace in her hugs. Children, kids, teenagers, young adults.... they are all going to mess up, often in very big ways. During life’s darkest moments, children don’t need a mom who dances in the kitchen. They need a mother of repair.
She continued, “And you know, that’s the gospel. God doesn’t call us to be happy moms or perfect moms or magical moms. I think He desires us as parents to look at Him for guidance and when we do, we see a perfect picture of repair: We are all a wretched mess, yet Jesus died for us so that we could be reconciled with the Father.
I left Morgan’s office that day feeling completely unburdened, and this paradigm shift has brought a newfound clarity even in the midst of my son’s worst tantrums. I think back to our session and reflect on its implications every single day. Could this apply not just to parenting but also to friend relationships? What about my marriage? What about my extended family?
What about my church family?
I think it’s worth all of us thinking about. Are we a church of repair? Are we focused on reconciliation? Do we shy away from the hard stuff? Is there truth in our words and grace in our hugs? How do we handle our brothers and sisters when they mess up?
Until this counseling session with Morgan, I only called on Jehovah Rapha for healing of physical illnesses... my friend’s cancer, my Dad’s back, my injured eye. But now I understand the character of God under the banner of Jehovah Rapha to be more than physical healing. I now know Him to do the kind of healing that repairs. Our God saves. Our God heals. Our God repairs.
I hope you will join me in praying to be a Person of Repair. I hope you will join me in praying for our church family to be a church of repair. And I hope if you do not yet know God, that you will come to see Him as Jehovah Rapha- a God that Heals. God is focused on reconciliation. God does not shy away from the hard stuff. He is there for you in your darkest moments, ready and waiting to heal and repair.
This essay and many more like it can be found in the latest issue of KNOWN magazine, a publication of Mars Hill Church. All issues can be viewed digitally on our website at pomh.org/known.
